The 5 P’s for Growing Better Relationships
Cultivating a thriving relationship is a lot like gardening; here’s a few pointers for your success! (Inspired by the book Cultivating Love: Wisdom for Life)
- Prepare for a Safe Experience
- Regulate for Safety: Regulation means you’ll take the necessary steps to make sure your brain, body, activities and conversations remain safe. Practicing breathing, reading your emotional thermometer, pausing, thinking, then acting to remain grounded and focused on goals is helpful!
- Hydrate Consistently: Taking “time-outs to take time-ins” to introspect, discover then communicate which values and virtues you’d like to develop over the seasons of your life to nurture and strengthen your relationship is a must!
- Potentiate by understanding your spouse’s Heart: Ask questions to help you understand their thoughts, feelings, needs, hurts, and hopes. Go deep, and deep-water the roses to produce beauty and fragrance!
2. Pull the Weeds, Plant the Seeds
- Which “character defects” (perfection, control, avoidance, entitlement) take up space in your mind and function as relationship extinguishers that rob you of focus and choke off opportunities to mature?
- Which “character values/virtues” (empathy, care, understanding, love and the chart below) are to be planted, nurtured and protected because they enhance connection, edify needs and equip you to become fruitful, wise and skilled at living?
3. Prioritize Attunement Internally and Externally
- While you’re tuning in to good music, tune in to your inner child and enjoy this creative and playful experience in nature!
- Tune in to your spouse by being present, patient, purposeful, positive, productive, “psychologically sound” and passionate in your effort to beautify your living space and grow nutritious behaviors!
- Give what you can to create and maintain a connected, stable, and harmonious relationship.
4. Practice Listening, Affirming and “U-Turning”
- Listen to your spouse’s heart to ascertain the heart of the matter; be curious and not furious with them.
- Affirm their reality because differentiation, like a coin, has value because it’s different and not “two-headed.”
- Make a U-Turn when corrective behavior is warranted; listen, affirm and course-correct to grow understanding and healing.
5.Produce Healthy Adult Mode Behaviors
- Which “healthy adult mode” (below) behaviors do you need from your Higher Power (Love, Wisdom, Compassion)?
- Which healthy adult mode behaviors reflect you’re loving yourself (Responsibility, Rest, Insight)?
- Which healthy adult mode behaviors does your marriage and family need consistently to thrive?
Bonus P: Pray, or practice any spiritual discipline (service, generosity, silence, reflection, mediation, simplicity, worship) that connects you to your God for inspiration, peace, clarity and empowerment!
Enjoy practicing these 5 P’s to grow a better relationship and by all means savor the fruit of your labor!
Thanks for reading this information inspired by Dr. McGill’s newest book Cultivating Love: Wisdom for Life. As time permits, please visit the other blogs written by Dr. Ken McGill: Daily Bread for Life and “3 – 2- 5 – 4 – 24” for additional information that could be helpful.
Dr. Ken McGill, LMFT — Attachment Repair for Couples • Faith-Integrated Trauma Therapy in California • Healthy Adult Mode Therapy for High-Functioning Professionals. Dr. McGill provides attachment-focused therapy integrating psychology and spiritual formation for couples and individuals seeking structured growth, with telehealth available statewide in California and Texas and in-person sessions in Plano, TX. Learn more or schedule a session at drkenmcgill@live.com, www.drkenmcgill.com, or 972. 505. 6144.
