Goal: To develop Emotional Healthy Adult Mode behaviors due to your connection with a loving God.     

Your Emotions are biological, physiological, and psychological messengers that are “hard-wired” into your being and are gifts from God in that they help you to experience a range of emotions such as happiness, anger, joy, fear, surprise, disgust, shame, and love, along with a host of other feelings that give meaning, purpose, enjoyment, concern, or contentment to your life.  

Your emotions “are,” in that at any given moment they give you a clear and instantaneous indication of what is important, critical, worthwhile or deserves to be the focus of your attention which may be shared with others (when necessary), as emotional self-awareness and self-expression of your emotions is key to your ability to function as a Healthy Adult!  

Your emotions are “felt” because they originate within your body, as your five senses (and your mind, soul, and spirit) react to internal thoughts or external stimuli in your environment, whether you’re awake or asleep.  Your emotions send biological and neurochemical impulses or “messengers” to your brain that your mind interprets, appraises, and eventually acts upon.  Again, this is one of the reasons why emotional self-awareness is so important, because emotions like anger or fear “tell you” something is wrong and requires a constructive response, just as the presence of fear, loneliness, love, or joy may prompt you to engage in caring, tender, or compassionate behaviors with yourself or with others who are in close proximity to you.  

It’s my hope that as you “tune in” to yourself and listen to your emotions, that your thoughts or actions to these valuable messengers will help you to feel alive, create safety or protection for yourself (if needed), or, will motivate you to cultivate then share meaningful, appropriate and loving behaviors as your emotions lead and validate you to “do the next right thing” per your value system.  

Equally, I hope your emotional attunement will assist you in your decision making when you feel hurt, pain, or grief, especially in your effort to recover from any loss you may encounter in life.  Finally, it’s my hope that your God will help you to create, feel and experience understanding, connectedness and peace or any other virtue that grounds and brings calm to you, especially when you most need the presence of these virtues in your life or, in your interactions with others.  

So in consideration of your Emotions, that is, how you identify, experience and share your emotions as a Healthy Adult, let’s look at three spiritually rich, generative and edifying words connected to Emotional Intelligence, Emotional Self-Awareness and the presence of your God.  The words are Peace, Nurture and Empathy. 

“You, Lord, give true peace. You give peace to those who depend on you.

You give peace to those who trust you” – Isaiah 26:3 (ICB).

Healthy Adult Characteristic #1 – Peace:  The Greek word for Peace is Eirene, and just as you’d imagine it alludes to a person being calm, tranquil, in harmony, and in a state of untroubled or undisturbed well-being (Zodhiates, 1996).  Peace is important because your brain, mind, and body (not to mention your relationships!) work the best when your brain is in a proximal (centered) zone, which is a byproduct of being at peace within yourself, and as much as it depends on your efforts, with others.  

A proximal or “green zone” as I like to call it takes work to create, and it will reside within you between the two extremes of hyperarousal (e.g., fear, anxiety, distress or “red zone” experiences) and hypoarousal (e.g., loneliness, abandoned, depressed or “blue zone” experiences).  

It’s a no brainer (pun intended) that when your brain, mind, body, and life experiences are in these extremes you’ll experience some form of personal or relationship dysregulation.  Operating and living in the extremes means your personal awareness and clarity is impaired, relationships could become neglected or volatile, and energy is unwisely misspent on processes or actions that facilitate hurt or harm versus outcomes that generate hope and a brighter future for yourself and the neighbors in your life.

On the other hand, it’s when you’re in your proximal “green” and centered zone that you’re most likely to experience the presence and benefits of Peace: Calm, serenity, a good night’s sleep (which promotes neuroplasticity in the brain), response flexibility when it comes to understanding then repairing ruptures with others, and the best of your thinking.  

This is important because when generating peace is the focus of your mind and actions then you’re creating an internal mindset which is the best frame and state of mind in which to live, especially when it comes to your engagement in generating fruitful actions that are personally and relationally rewarding.  

Operating and living in your proximal zone where generating peace is a primary focus means your thinking will be infused acutely with the “2.0” Healthy Adult values you’ve uploaded into your mind, the longevity of your emotional regulation will be greater, your thought process opens up to “cortical overrides” (that is, helpful strategy versus self-sabotage), and your communication stands to be attuned (clear, curious, accepting, open and loving) and safe!  

There’s certainly more payoffs that accompany the creation of peace but where does a loving God fit in with the process of developing this precious virtue?  Glad you asked!

“Our hearts are restless, until they can find rest in you” 

– Augustine of Hippo (354 – 430) in Confessions.

“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” 

Step Two of Alcoholics Anonymous

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” – Jesus in John 14:27 (TNIV).

I don’t need to convince you about how external life circumstances threaten to steal any internal calm or peace you may possess.  Unfortunately, this occurs far too frequently in the world in which we live.  However, per the quotes above, I’d like to suggest that true peace which surpasses comprehension originates in and is sustained by a Loving God who has nothing but your best interests in mind.  

Could you imagine being with a good, if not best friend who wants you to not only experience love in abundance, wisdom without measure, peace beyond comprehension but also relationships that are satisfying and edifying?  Can you imagine a God who does not criticize, shame, attack, humiliate nor induce anxiety, but on the other hand is a Higher Power who comforts, encourages, loves, inspires, informs, and empowers you, because He knows your head, heart, emotions and relationships will thrive and function optimally in the presence of these admirable (and necessary) characteristics and virtues?  

I hope your connection and experience with your God is beneficial to you and to your emotional well-being, and motivates you to reproduce the same Healthy Adult characteristics in your affairs with others, as you encounter God via the practice of your spiritual disciplines.  Cultivating peace with God occurs through the daily practice of simple yet rewarding behaviors that place you in your own green zone, where (internal) critics are silenced and personal responsibility to experience calm and empowerment is sought and pursued uncompromisingly. Seeking and practicing peace sets you up to experience then deliver the second Healthy Adult characteristic: Nurture. 

Healthy Adult Characteristic #2 – Nurture:  Nurture is the second Healthy Adult characteristic which speaks to God providing edifying help, sustenance and protection, in addition to support, connection, encouragement and empowerment via processes, people and other resources over an extended period of time in your life (i.e., months and years), with the overall goal being to strengthen and equip you to care for yourself and within reason, to provide care to others. 

When it comes to the experience of being nurtured and the positive impact of this characteristic upon your emotions, what, as an Adult do you need, and are your need(s) being met in your connection and collaboration with your Higher Power?  Does your partnership with God nurture and help you to grow calm, peace or serenity, not to mention patience, kindness,  goodness, or self-control?  Finally, how does your connection with a nurturing God help you to nurture or “re-parent” yourself with these characteristics, and to grow into the emotionally safe, soothing, secure, connected, and mature person you’ve wanted and perhaps need to be, for your personal benefit and for the benefit of the neighbors in your life?  One thing that’s for sure is you don’t have to cultivate nurture alone and all by yourself!  Let me explain. 

Keep in mind that nurture is best modeled, delivered and received from someone who is nurturing!  Is there someone in your life who displays healthy manifestations of nurturing, where care, attention, help, service and who “ministers to you” and others is seen or rendered?  It certainly helps to have a person (or people) in your life who are “God with skin on them” when you most need to experience characteristics like love, grace, mercy, patience, kindness, and gentleness but also stability, restraint, empathy, inspiration, encouragement, and support!  

As a human being and in my work as a Psychotherapist, I’ve developed nurturing qualities and characteristics over the course of my lifetime.  These attributes have been cultivated in harmony with my faith in God and with the support of nurturing individuals.  They served as role models, who embodied agape-oriented values and virtues that have inspired my commitment to embody them in my own life. 

By doing my personal work to become skilled at nurturing, I not only gained confidence in learning how to nurture myself (which helped me to experience internal peace) but I also learned how to develop what Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Mary Main call an “earned secure attachment,” which we’ll discuss more in the next post about Healthy Adult Mode behavior and your Emotions.  

For now, an earned secure attachment is a type of attachment style in adults that’s characterized by the development of love, trust, care, bonding, security, connection, nurturing and other intimacy needs a child typically receives from their parents or caregivers at birth and throughout their early life. Having these needs met helps the child to regulate their emotions and feel good about their age-appropriate ability to create and demonstrate calm, connection and care within their self and eventually to be displayed with others.  

The absence of these and other positive character traits, which are necessary for your psychological development in your early life may interrupt your ability to “attach” or connect with others later in your life.  Sadly, this was the case in my life and it’s quite possible in yours or someone you may know.  

However, as mentioned earlier, my connection with a loving God and other nurturing people helped me to “reparent” myself, which resulted in the development of “earned” character traits (like insight, peace, grace, kindness, mercy, comfort, etc.), which when applied helped me to live in my “green zone” and demonstrate other behaviors specific to my proximal or “centered” zone.  

Living and working in my green zone has been transformative, and encouraging, in that I’ve enjoyed making better decisions in my 7 Core Areas, but it has really been inspiring to work with others and to see them make better decisions for their own well-being in their lives as Healthy Adults!  

So in closing this post let’s look at the final Healthy Adult characteristic that makes Peace and Nurturing possible, and it’s the characteristic of Empathy.

Healthy Adult Characteristic #3 – Empathy:  Empathy is such a valuable characteristic or virtue that I dare say it’s probably in the “top five” list of Intimacy needs among all human beings (which of these are in your top 5 list of Intimacy Needs: Love, Understanding, Safety, Honesty, Empathy, Respect, Cherish, Trustworthiness?). I’ve written a lot about the subject of Empathy (Intro, #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, Hierarchy of Needs) and allow me to share why this is such a crucial characteristic to be developed with the assistance of our Higher Power.

 From the Ancient Greeks, we learn that Empathy (Empatheia), is a compound word, formed from “In” + “Passion or Suffering.”  The English word is relatively new, coined by Psychologist Edward Titchener in 1909. Titchener defined Empathy as “projecting yourself into what you observe” and according to Titchener, a key feature of achieving Empathy is by way of Introspection.  

Introspection is the conscious and purposeful examination and reporting of your own thoughts, feelings, desires, sensations and reflects what is going on in your soul and spirit. Being able to know, understand then share who you are by exercising emotional self-awareness, then to use this same skill in your ability to understand others is fundamental to being intimate, because Intimacy (Respect) is experienced deeply when you know (then share) about yourself, and you’re able to “see and know” others around you, who may want you to know them deeply (especially when they feel and express emotions like fear, anger, disgust, sorrow or shame, or, love, joy or peace!). 

When it comes to Empathy and learning how to become an Empathetic person, there are two parts involved in your process; let’s look at them! 

The first part involved in becoming an Empathetic person resides in your ability to reflect, inspect, discern, identify and “read your own internal emotional thermometer” to identify the feeling(s) and the message(s) your emotions are conveying to you about any given situation you’re in, then share “what’s coming up for you” with others.  Pat yourself on your back if you’re able to engage in this form of emotional self-awareness because you’re half-way home to being and delivering the gift of Empathy! 

The second and equally crucial part is simpler than it seems.  If you’re able to use your skills to reflect and identify what emotion you’re feeling in any given situation, then true empathy is realized when you use the same skills of reflection, inspection, discernment, and identification to determine what others might be feeling when you “project yourself into what you observe.” This time though, you’ll use your eyes and ears along with your emotional acuity to assess, read then report what you think the other person is experiencing.  

When you’re reading and assessing a situation appropriately with others, your heart, mind, body, and emotions are working in concert to help you to see, observe, witness then get “En + Pathos” (Empathy) with them as you’re “in their passion, feeling or suffering.”  Don’t worry about your comments being perfect in your effort to make empathetic statements (they’ll let you know if you’re accurate or not); just keep tuning in to listen to your own emotions and dial in to their emotions, then share what you think the other person is feeling.  

Being able to deliver an empathetic response to another at the right time, for the right reason, in the right tone with the right words is therapeutic and will go a long way toward bringing healing to any situation where one or both of you may have felt anger, hurt, misunderstood, or psychologically bruised or injured.

Finally, Dr. Dan Siegel identifies four different types of Empathy for people to develop and with which to become skilled: 

1. Cognitive Empathy: Your ability to see the world through another person’s perspective.
2. Emotional Empathy: Your ability to feel another person’s feelings.
3. Empathetic Imagination: Your ability to imagine what it’s like to be another person.
4. Empathic Identification: Your ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes.  

So in closing this post are you able to see how your God would love for you to develop and live in Peace (especially with others!), the ability to Nurture (yourself and especially with others!) and the ability to be Empathetic (especially for your benefit and with others!)?  Developing and practicing these core Healthy Adult characteristics helps you to understand the emotions (the heart) of yourself and others reverently, passionately, and wholeheartedly, and their presence will help you to create environments (home, work, etc.) where emotions (hearts) are respected, safe, known, nurtured, understood, and at peace! 

Suggested Activity: Become very familiar with the Emotional Self-Awareness Chart.  Print it and look at it daily to develop self-awareness.  Try to share the emotions you identify with others each day. Commit to reading the posts on Empathy (Intro, #1, #2,#3, #4, #5, #6, Hierarchy of Needs).  Try to integrate the suggestions in your activity with others each day.

Skill to develop: The ability to become emotionally self-aware, nurturing, peaceful and empathetic. 

Next: Emotional #11: Your Emotional Healthy Adult Mode Behaviors (Part 2 – Loving Yourself) or Table of Contents.

Thanks for reading this excerpt from Cultivating Love: Wisdom for Life. As time permits, please visit the other blogs written by Dr. Ken McGill: Daily Bread for Life and “3 – 2- 5 – 4 – 24” for additional information that could be helpful.