Goal: To develop Emotional Healthy Adult Mode behaviors that demonstrate you’re Loving Yourself

     This. Is. The. Heart of the matter!  This is significant because your if your emotions are conflicted, pressured, repressed, dissociated or “split off” from you versus integrated to care for them, learn from them then… 

So I’d like to (strongly) suggest that the next step in your Healthy Adult Mode process is to take care of your heart.  Care for this valuable part of yourself; love and protection, and your responsibility to care for.  So only to remind; reparent, repair.  

Meade place will be involved other safe people with Godly behaviors.

Peace, Nurture and Empathy work the best and assists you to thrive and to produce these necessary components: Regulation, Rest and Kindness/Gentleness (Give Examples of how they interact:

Peace – creates a proximal and green zone which you need

Nurture – means you’re taking responsibility to create and maintain internal peace via your 9 MPFc functions (give a few examples) actions that make sense to you and are part of your value system (care, reflection, rest, balance.

Empathy – starts within you and your ability to read your own thermometer of feelings, get good at it, then practice with insight, intuition, observation what you think others may think, feel, experience when faced with similar situations that you may react or respond to as well. Sympathy (Sym- together + pathos “your feelings”) + em – “in” + pathos “your feelings” are key skills to develop.

Access levels of care if the attachment wounds have been deep and distrusting.  This will determine how you live and the quality of your relationships; potential and passion and purpose vs pain, punishment perfectionism (to seek approval) and narcissistic pride, which cause one to project their shame onto others – hurt people just people).

Core dialogue queries (appropriate questions and topics); authentic and solid self; healthy adult

Hero’s journey

Briefly, allow me to introduce the four attachment styles.

1. Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence.  They trust others, have positive self-esteem, and can establish healthy, balanced relationships.  An example would be a person who is able to openly communicate their needs and emotions with their partner, while also respecting their partner’s boundaries.
2. Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: Individuals with an anxious preoccupied attachment style seek high levels of closeness and intimacy but may also have doubts about their own worthiness of love.  They often worry about their partner’s commitment and can be overly dependent on them.  For example, someone who constantly seeks reassurance from their partner and feels anxious or insecure when their partner is not immediately available. 
3. Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment: Individuals with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style value independence and self-reliance.  They may have difficulty trusting others and tend to avoid close relationships or emotional vulnerability.  They often prefer to deal with problems on their own and may appear emotionally distant.  An example would be someone who avoids deep emotional connections and prefers to keep relationships casual or non-committal.
4. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Also known as disorganized attachment, individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style experience a mixture of anxiety and avoidance in relationships. They desire closeness but are also afraid of being hurt or rejected. They may have experienced trauma or inconsistent caregiving in their past. For example, someone who wants to be close to their partner but feels overwhelmed by fear or anxiety when intimacy becomes too intense.
5. Disorganized attachment, also known as disoriented attachment, is an attachment style characterized by a lack of coherent or consistent strategies for dealing with attachment relationships. It is typically associated with early childhood experiences of abuse, neglect, or other traumatic events.  Children with disorganized attachment may exhibit contradictory behaviors in the presence of their primary caregiver. They may display a mix of approaches, such as seeking comfort and then abruptly avoiding or resisting it. They may also show confused or disoriented behaviors, freezing or appearing dazed in the caregiver’s presence. 

These inconsistent and unpredictable responses reflect the child’s internal struggle to seek proximity and safety while simultaneously being afraid or unsure of their caregiver’s availability or response.  An example of disorganized attachment might be a child who, when frightened or distressed, approaches their caregiver for comfort but then abruptly withdraws, avoiding eye contact and displaying signs of fear or confusion. They may exhibit conflicting behaviors, such as moving closer to the caregiver while keeping their body tense and rigid. 

These behaviors reflect the child’s difficulty in developing a consistent and organized approach to seeking security and support.  It’s important to note that disorganized attachment is primarily observed and studied in the context of early childhood relationships, and its impact can have lasting effects on an individual’s socio-emotional development and relationships in adulthood.  

It’s important to note that these attachment styles are not fixed and can evolve or change over time based on personal growth, experiences, and therapeutic interventions.

Healthy Adult Characteristic #1 – Regulation of Emotions (Emotional Balance):  

The Enemy’s strategy is to steal, kill and destroy, any hope, love, connection you have with your God, yourself and your neighbors in your life.  He does this by contaminating your mind and intent to love yourself. Ephesians 6 – Devils schemes (antistrategy.  Your strategy to overcome schemes?  Reconnaissance mission to neutralize the strategies assembled since the day you were Biden to take the power back from shaming, abusive  traumatic and dehumanizing and humiliating experiences.

What will it be replaced with?  come from the dark side.  Kill them with kindness.  I won’t kill my dad (Luke to earth).

Healthy Adult Characteristic #2 – Rest/Protect your Inner Child: Protect your Inner Child (p. 51 #4 in Secrets)

Rest (the Greek word is “anapausis” and in this word you probably see the English word that we get from it: Pause).  If you’ve ceased your engagement in any activity, you have paused and subsequently give yourself the opportunity to rest. However, the word picture of Anapausis goes much further.  The word also means to “relax the strings that have been drawn tight.”  I’m not a musician nor guitarist, however the idea here is if the strings are drawn too tight then the pitch (or person) will be louder, and there will be no harmony, and there’s the possibility of the strings breaking, which means the opportunity to make and enjoy beautiful music with others is interrupted if not sabotaged!  

     Another visual that’s particularly traumatic in nature is being on a hangman’s platform.  I don’t need to tell you about the tragic consequences incurred if the strings are drawn too tight here: trauma if not death to the person via homicide, suicide or genocide, and certainly acute or posttraumatic stress to those in the presence of these activities.  Nothing good occurs when the emotions in your body, brain, mind, spirit or relationships are “drawn too tight” via the lack of peace, nurturing, empathy, (dys)regulation, rest or kindness and gentleness.

     What are the personal (and eventually relational) benefits of you relaxing the strings in your own life which have been drawn too tight?  How are your own actions creating “unforced errors” by your engagement in processes or behavior that creates egoism, chauvinism, alcoholism, perfectionism, (self)criticism, antagonism, absenteeism, or cannibalism? Nothing good here.

     Thankfully, and I need to underscore this, we don’t have to live this way.  Engaging in responsible and restful behavior that protects and safeguards your well-being, particularly your heart, finding the equilibrium you require, nurturing your inner child (as well as your offspring) and nurturing your relationships, is your personal goal, even if it is an aspirational one.  Remember, you possess the ability to respond, as your Healthy adult can embody upgraded and updated values to foster self-live which leads to your personal growth. 

Healthy Adult Characteristic #3 – Kindness/Gentleness: Kindness/Gentleness (FOSpirit)

Kindness – Behaviors that are kind, useful and profitable. Kindness is the grace which pervades our whole nature, mellowing all that would be harsh (ungentle and unpleasant in action or effect) and austere (severe in manner or appearance; uncompromising, strict, lacking softness).  The word is descriptive of disposition.  Take on Jesus’ character when we come to Him: gentle, and humble in heart and kind.

It’s not in my job description to do things that are contrary to Kindness (and don’t give yourself permission to either), such as being harsh, austere, criticizing, condescending, quarrelling, holding others in contempt or saying cutting remarks (Apotomia, which is the opposite of Chrestotes).  Note: It’s the practice of any of the Empowering E’s.

Gentleness – 4 main points:

1. Goes straight it to the heart of the person and to the heart of any issue.  Hear from God; Gentleness and Humility are Prautes in different passages. With God’s help, read my emotional thermometer then respond accordingly with the right response needed in that situation.  Discernment, Wisdom and Intuition: God wants to enlighten us regarding the way we are to proceed, which will lead toward a gentle response. 
2. We don’t contest, oppose or resist the message and action we receive from God and that He initiates in us; we humbly accept His instruction, and we endeavor to Gently carry it out.
3. Gentle responses are not weak responses; in fact, the appropriate demonstration of anger is key to demonstrating a gentle response with others.
4. Gentleness is a condition of our mind and heart that demonstrates strength of character.

Suggested Activity: 

Skill to develop: The ability to become proficient with the use of your gifts to build others up. 

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Suggested Activity: Create your Emotions List

Skill to develop: The ability to become proficient with the use of your gifts to build others up. 

Dr. Ken McGill, LMFT — Attachment Repair for Couples • Faith-Integrated Trauma Therapy in California • Healthy Adult Mode Therapy for High-Functioning Professionals. Dr. McGill provides attachment-focused therapy integrating psychology and spiritual formation for couples and individuals seeking structured growth, with telehealth available statewide in California and Texas and in-person sessions in Plano, TX. Learn more or schedule a session at drkenmcgill@live.com, www.drkenmcgill.com, or 972. 505. 6144.