This list of 100 Attachment and Attunement Needs is inspired by Attachment Theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy. Your goal with this Wisdom Tool is to identify then practice these behaviors to build “Earned Secure Attachments” and Attunement with each other (or your “neighbors”), as these behaviors yield powerful relationship and healing outcomes.  

Remember, Earned Secure Attachment refers to your ability to develop a stable and trusting relationship in adulthood, despite the presence of earlier “Insecure Attachments” (Anxious, Avoidant or Disorganized), most likely developed in your family of origin.

Attunement is your ability to be emotionally present and responsive to your partner’s (or another’s) internal experience when shared with you.  Both are essential for creating emotional safety, an intimate and meaningful connection with each other, and are important skills to develop to Healthy Adult Mode strength, support, and I can’t say it enough, healing in your heart, soul, mind and relationships! 

In the list below, the Attachment/Attunement needs are divided into 5 areas:

1. Number 1 – 20: Emotional Safety and Presence
2. Number 21 – 40: Affirmation, Appreciation and Trust
3. Number 41 – 60: Physical Affection and Closeness
4. Number 61 – 80: Communication and Emotional Support
5. Number 81 – 100: Growth, Stability and Teamwork

Note: In each of the entries below, the Attachment Need is in bold type, (the Attunement need is in parentheses), insight about the need is provided and an example of the need in action is italicized.   

So to cultivate healthy Attachment and Attunement in your relationships, I encourage you to: 

1. Select 10 – 15 of the Attachment/Intimacy needs that are important to you and discuss why they’re important to you with your partner.  Were the Attachment needs you chose developed and delivered to you in your family of origin?  If not, which ones are crucial to your current growth process, especially as you consider the idea of working on and re-parenting yourself? 

2. Equally, ask your Partner which 10 – 15 of the Attachment/Intimacy needs are important to them.  What have you heard them say, and just as important, what has God gently mentioned to you regarding the intimacy needs He wants you to develop in your relationship garden?  In your discussion, “paint” a vivid and clear picture of what the fulfillment of the need would look like.  

3. Over the next 120 days, make a daily commitment to develop, grow and deliver the Attachment needs you chose (and heard from your spouse) for your mutual benefit.  Feel free to “mix and match” the suggestions below, or, rewrite the examples in your own words to express your sentiments exactly. Finally, revisit and adjust this “living document” over the micro seasons (every 4 months) to determine if you’re meeting your goals of developing healthy Adult Mode Behavior and Earned Secure Attachments in your relationships!  I wish you the best!  Dr. Ken McGill

41 – 60: Physical Affection and Closeness

41. Holding hands in public and private (Physical Touch): Holding hands becomes a steady, silent declaration of “I’m with you.” “I reach for her hand in church or when we’re sitting on the couch because touch keeps our connection alive.”

42. Being embraced when you’re feeling low (Empathy): Offering a hug without words when they’re down shows you feel their emotional state with them. “When her shoulders slump, I just wrap them in my arms until she breathes easier again.”

43. Physical touch like gentle caresses or cuddles (Non-Verbal Cues): Tender touches in quiet moments respond to emotional needs without speaking. “I run my fingers along his arm when we rest which is saying ‘I’m here’ without needing to speak.”

44. Feeling desired by your partner (Eye Contact): Holding their gaze with admiration affirms that you still want them, deeply and fully. “I lock eyes with her like she’s the only person in the room, because she is.”

45. Receiving kisses that convey affection (Physical Touch): A well-timed kiss on the forehead or cheek speaks volumes about care and closeness. “I kiss him softly as he walks by to remind him he’s cherished, always.”

46. Enjoying shared physical activities (e.g., dancing, hiking; Consistent Presence): Being actively involved in mutual physical experiences creates bonding through motion. “Whether we’re hiking or slow dancing in the kitchen, I stay emotionally close as we move together.”

47. Being looked at with admiration and love (Eye Contact): Letting your eyes linger with warmth shows they are truly seen and adored. “I glance across the room just to admire her, and when her eyes catch mine, I don’t look away.”

48. Having a partner who enjoys being physically close (Reflective Listening): Mirroring their desire for closeness affirms the need without shame or distance. “When he scoots closer on the couch, I meet him halfway, with my body and my heart.”

49. Experiencing intimate moments that strengthen your bond (Curiosity): Asking what kinds of closeness feel most meaningful opens the door to deeper intimacy. “I ask, ‘What kind of touch feels like love to you?’ then I practice that often.”

50. Feeling your partner’s presence even when not speaking (Consistent Presence): Sitting together in silence while staying emotionally open builds unspoken intimacy. “Even when we don’t speak, I keep my body open and warm so she knows I’m right here.”

51. Having playful interactions like tickling or horseplay (Patience): Staying present and gentle during playful moments ensures it remains connecting, not triggering. “When we play around, I stay tuned in so it’s fun for both of us, not overwhelming.”

52. Receiving a loving gaze from your partner (Eye Contact): Soft, focused eye contact anchors a moment in shared affection.  “I let my gaze linger on her during the small moments, especially when he’s not looking for it.”

53. Being touched affectionately throughout the day (Non-Verbal Cues): Frequent, light touches reinforce a sense of being wanted and connected.  “I brush their back as I pass or squeeze their shoulder, with a soft touch that says, ‘I see you and I’m here for you.’”

54. Feeling physically attractive to your partner (Emotional Validation): Affirming their appearance and presence reinforces that they are seen as beautiful.  “I say, ‘You look amazing,’ not out of habit, but because I really mean it.”

55. Experiencing physical intimacy beyond just sex (Curiosity): Asking about what makes intimacy feel emotionally fulfilling builds a multidimensional bond.  “I ask what makes him feel close; not just physically, but heart to heart.”

56. Having spontaneous moments of closeness (Empathy): Feeling the need for contact and acting on it in the moment nurtures emotional warmth. “I pull her in for a safe and sudden cuddle when I sense she needs comfort, even if she doesn’t request it.”

57. Enjoying a sense of warmth when cuddling (Physical Touch): Cuddling becomes a healing ritual when done with mindful attunement. “When we curl up together, I breathe with him and match his rhythm until we both relax.”

58. Feeling like your partner desires you passionately (Eye Contact): A charged, affirming look says “I want you” without needing words.  “I let my eyes speak when my mouth can’t, to express and show my desire for her.”

59. Being greeted with a hug after a long day (Physical Touch): Welcoming them home with warmth shifts the emotional tone and reconnects you both.  “I meet him at the door with open arms because he needs to know he’s home, not just back.”

60. Having affectionate nicknames that create a sense of closeness (Reflective Listening): Using cherished nicknames mirrors the tenderness you’ve built together.  “I call her by the name only I use, because it holds every sweet memory we’ve shared.”

Thanks for reading this Wisdom Tool: 100 Attachment and Attunement Behaviors (Part 3 of 5), and for reading this excerpt from Cultivating Love: Wisdom for Life. As time permits, please visit the other blogs written by Dr. Ken McGill: Daily Bread for Life and “3–2- 5–4–24” for additional information that could be helpful.