This list of 100 Attachment and Attunement Needs is inspired by Attachment Theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy. Your goal with this Wisdom Tool is to identify then practice these behaviors to build “Earned Secure Attachments” and Attunement with each other (or your “neighbors”), as these behaviors yield powerful relationship and healing outcomes.  

Remember, Earned Secure Attachment refers to your ability to develop a stable and trusting relationship in adulthood, despite the presence of earlier “Insecure Attachments” (Anxious, Avoidant or Disorganized), most likely developed in your family of origin.

Attunement is your ability to be emotionally present and responsive to your partner’s (or another’s) internal experience when shared with you.  Both are essential for creating emotional safety, an intimate and meaningful connection with each other, and are important skills to develop to Healthy Adult Mode strength, support, and I can’t say it enough, healing in your heart, soul, mind and relationships! 

In the list below, the Attachment/Attunement needs are divided into 5 areas:

1. Number 1 – 20: Emotional Safety and Presence
2. Number 21 – 40: Affirmation, Appreciation and Trust
3. Number 41 – 60: Physical Affection and Closeness
4. Number 61 – 80: Communication and Emotional Support
5. Number 81 – 100: Growth, Stability and Teamwork

Note: In each of the entries below, the Attachment Need is in bold type, (the Attunement need is in parentheses), insight about the need is provided and an example of the need in action is italicized.   

So to cultivate healthy Attachment and Attunement in your relationships, I encourage you to: 

1. Select 10 – 15 of the Attachment/Intimacy needs that are important to you and discuss why they’re important to you with your partner.  Were the Attachment needs you chose developed and delivered to you in your family of origin?  If not, which ones are crucial to your current growth process, especially as you consider the idea of working on and re-parenting yourself? 

2. Equally, ask your Partner which 10 – 15 of the Attachment/Intimacy needs are important to them.  What have you heard them say, and just as important, what has God gently mentioned to you regarding the intimacy needs He wants you to develop in your relationship garden?  In your discussion, “paint” a vivid and clear picture of what the fulfillment of the need would look like.  

3. Over the next 120 days, make a daily commitment to develop, grow and deliver the Attachment needs you chose (and heard from your spouse) for your mutual benefit.  Feel free to “mix and match” the suggestions below, or, rewrite the examples in your own words to express your sentiments exactly. Finally, revisit and adjust this “living document” over the micro seasons (every 4 months) to determine if you’re meeting your goals of developing healthy Adult Mode Behavior and Earned Secure Attachments in your relationships!  I wish you the best!  Dr. Ken McGill

61 – 80: Communication and Emotional Support

61. Having deep conversations that go beyond the surface (Curiosity): Asking open-ended questions draws out depth and creates meaningful intimacy.  “I ask, ‘What does that really mean to you?’ because I want to know her heart, not just her thoughts.”

62. Feeling like your voice matters in decisions (Active Listening): Staying fully present during important conversations shows that their opinion carries real weight.  “I lean in and listen without distraction, because his voice shapes our decisions together.”

63. Receiving undivided attention when sharing your thoughts (Eye Contact): Gentle, focused eye contact during dialogue signals full presence.  “I look directly at her while she speaks, letting my eyes say, ‘You have all of me right now.’”

64. Being able to talk about fears without feeling judged (Emotional Validation): Naming and accepting their fears without correction builds safety.  “When he says he’s scared, I say, ‘That makes total sense,’ so he doesn’t feel ashamed for feeling afraid.”

65. Knowing your partner remembers important details about your life (Consistent Presence): Noticing and recalling what matters to them shows that you’re emotionally tuned in.  “I bring up that hard deadline or cherished memory, proving I’m paying attention even when she’s not expecting it.”

66. Being able to express confusion or uncertainty freely (Patience): Letting them process out loud without needing immediate clarity honors their process.  “I stay with her uncertainty without pushing her to ‘figure it out,’ because presence matters more than solutions.”

67. Receiving patience when you’re struggling to explain something (Reflective Listening): Gently summarizing their hesitant thoughts back to them offers support and clarity.  “I say, ‘it sounds like you’re torn between two things,’ to help her feel seen and understood.”

68. Experiencing open communication about future plans (Empathy): Sharing in the excitement or fear about what lies ahead affirms emotional alignment.  ‘When we talk about the future, I check in emotionally too: ‘How are you feeling about that idea?’”

69. Feeling heard when you express a need (Reflective Listening): Mirroring their request reinforces that it landed with care.  “When he says, ‘I need more time together,’ I respond, ‘so being close right now really matters to you.’”

70. Receiving constructive feedback without harshness (Non-Verbal Cues): Gentle tone and open body language soften the delivery of hard truths.  “I keep my voice calm and posture open when offering feedback, so she feels supported, not attacked.”

71. Being encouraged to express your creativity and passions (Curiosity): Asking about their interests and cheering them on nurtures aliveness.  “I ask, ‘What project excites you lately?’ because his passions deserve center stage too.”

72. Having your partner check in on your emotional state regularly (Consistent Presence): Showing up with emotional availability creates a steady rhythm of care. “I ask, ‘How’s your heart today?’ Not just when she seems ‘off,’ but because I always want to know.”

73. Being able to share dreams without feeling dismissed (Emotional Validation): Responding with warmth, even if unsure, helps preserve the dream’s dignity. “I say, ‘That sounds like an amazing vision,’ because honoring his hope keeps it alive.”

74. Receiving encouragement for your ambitions (Empathy): Enthusiastically aligning with their desire to grow strengthens your bond.  “I tell her, ‘You were made for this,’ because I feel her passion as if it were my own.”

75. Feeling like your partner enjoys learning about you (Curiosity): Continually exploring their inner world creates ongoing emotional intimacy.  “Even after all this time, I ask new questions, because there’s always more of him to discover.”

76. Knowing you can reach out at any time and not be a burden (Patience): Offering calm receptiveness at inconvenient times shows your care isn’t conditional.  “I answer her late night texts with warmth, because love doesn’t punch a clock.”

77. Feeling respected in conflicts and disagreements (Active Listening): Hearing them fully, even in tension, maintains dignity and connection.  “I let her speak her truth, even when I’m hurt, because understanding matters more than being right.”

78. Being able to talk about past traumas with safety (Empathy): Listening with compassion and zero urgency signals you can hold their pain without retreat.  “I hold space for his story, not to fix it, but to show him he never has to carry it alone again.”

79. Experiencing non-verbal cues that show your partner is engaged (Non-Verbal Cues): Responsive gestures like nods or soft smiles reinforce emotional presence.  “I nod gently, reach for her hand, or mirror her emotion, because listening isn’t just what I say.”

80. Feeling like you can explore new topics without fear (Eye Contact): Steady, accepting gaze invites openness, even in vulnerable or uncharted topics.  “I look at her with interest, not judgment; so even new truths feel welcome in our space.”

Thanks for reading this Wisdom Tool: 100 Attachment and Attunement Behaviors (Part 4 of 5), and for reading this excerpt from Cultivating Love: Wisdom for Life. As time permits, please visit the other blogs written by Dr. Ken McGill: Daily Bread for Life and “3–2- 5–4–24” for additional information that could be helpful.

Dr. Ken McGill, LMFT — Attachment Repair for Couples • Faith-Integrated Trauma Therapy in California • Healthy Adult Mode Therapy for High-Functioning Professionals. Dr. McGill provides attachment-focused therapy integrating psychology and spiritual formation for couples and individuals seeking structured growth, with telehealth available statewide in California and Texas and in-person sessions in Plano, TX. Learn more or schedule a session at drkenmcgill@live.com, www.drkenmcgill.com, or 972. 505. 6144.