This Wisdom Tool is designed to be used with information in these posts:

1. Reparenting and Loving Others (2.0) with the Shema, Blessing and 8 C’s of IFS principles
2. Wisdom Tool: McGill’s 48 additional strategies to get the most from the 8 C’s of IFS (2.0 – Loving Others version)

Use these 48 strategies in conjunction with the “Reparenting and Loving Yourself (2.0) with the Shema, Blessing and 8 C’s of IFS principles” (#1 above), and the “Wisdom Tool: McGill’s 48 additional strategies (#2 above) to enhance your ability to Reparent yourself via Recalibrated Wisdom.

These strategies are provided to assist the wisest and healthiest part of yourself to recalibrate, “rebirth,” regenerate, reclaim, renew and reward yourself by creating, maintaining and enjoying Earned Secure Attachment and Attunement solutions with others!

48 strategies to get the most from the 8 C’s of IFS (2.0 behaviors to Love Others)

Calmness: Maintaining emotional balance to create an environment for talking

1. Create a calm, safe place for you and your Partner to avoid feeling overwhelmed.
2. Create an evening ritual: Enjoy a cup of tea or listen to relaxing music together.
3. Practice deep breathing when discussing topics to stay calm and centered.
4. Use a calm tone of voice, even when addressing difficult issues.
5. Take a break when dysregulated, returning to talk when calmer.
6. Visualize a harmonious resolution during disagreements.

Clarity:  Communicate honestly and openly to build mutual understanding

1. Reflect on what you truly want in your relationship and discuss it openly.
2. Summarize what you heard to confirm understanding: “So, you’re saying…”
3. Ask your partner to clarify their thoughts/feelings if something seems unclear.
4. Use “I” statements to express your feelings/needs, such as, “I feel love when…”
5. Share your boundaries and explain why they’re important to you.
6. Create a shared list of relationship goals or priorities.

Curiosity: Displaying interest in your partner to understand them better

1. Ask: “What’s happening for you right now?” to reveal unspoken thoughts.
2. Be curious about their response; ask why certain things matter to them.
3. Notice your partner’s emotions and ask: “How are you feeling right now?”
4. Reflect on patterns in your relationship and discuss them together with curiosity instead of blame.
5. Ask: “What can I do to support you better?” and listen without defensiveness.
6. Create a “relationship mind map,” outlining each other’s needs and values.

Compassion: Showing kindness and understanding toward your Partner

1. Acknowledge struggles empathetically: “That sounds hard. I’m here for you.”
2. Validate their feelings by saying, “I understand why you might feel that.”
3. Practice patience when they’re upset, giving them space and support to process their emotions.
4. Avoid jumping to solutions; instead, listen and empathize first.
5. Speak to your partner’s “inner child” with nurturing words and actions.
6. Provide reassurance: “We’re a team, and we’ll work through this together.”

Courage: Face challenges and vulnerabilities together with strength and openness

1. Address topics instead of avoiding them, saying, “I’d like to talk about…”
2. Commit to growth, even if it means facing uncomfortable truths.
3. Advocate for changes that will strengthen your relationship.
4. Stand by your partner during challenging times, reinforcing your commitment.
5. Take accountability for mistakes and apologize when needed.
6. Support your partner when they take risks: “I’m proud of you for trying this.”

Confidence: Trust yourself and your partner, and validate their need for security

1. Speak positively about the relationship’s potential, saying, “I believe in us.”
2. Advocate for your needs and desires in the relationship.
3. Share your insights and hopes and encourage your partner to do the same.
4. Be vulnerable and trust your partner will be careful with your truth (and heart).
5. Compliment your partner’s abilities and efforts to boost their confidence.
6. Recognize and celebrate your relationship’s progress and growth.

Creativity: Bring novelty and flexibility into the relationship to keep it engaging

1. Catch your partner doing something good and tell them about it real time or…
2. …Create a gratitude journal and record those encouraging moments for them!
3. Brainstorm solutions to strengthening/growing in fun and collaborative ways.
4. Create a Post-it jar full of your wants, needs, hopes and work to fulfill them!
5. Remember the 2’s: 2 dates/month; 2 overnighters in a quarter; 2 vacays a year.
6. Create a relationship scrapbook based on your memories of those moments!

Connectedness: Strengthen your bond by nurturing emotional intimacy

1. Remind yourself your partner is sharing because they wish to know/be known.
2. Practice active listening, giving your partner your undivided attention.
3. Empathize by imagining your partner’s perspective during disagreements.
4. Foster mutual respect by acknowledging and appreciating your differences.
5. Share your dreams and aspirations, discussing how you can support each other.
6. Express your gratitude to each other for showing up to cultivate love!

Thanks for reading this Wisdom Tool: 48 strategies to get the most from the 8 C’s of Internal Family Systems (2.0 – Loving Others version), and for reading this excerpt from Cultivating Love: Wisdom for Life. As time permits, please visit the other blogs written by Dr. Ken McGill: Daily Bread for Life and “3–2- 5–4–24” for additional information that could be helpful.

Dr. Ken McGill, LMFT — Attachment Repair for Couples • Faith-Integrated Trauma Therapy in California • Healthy Adult Mode Therapy for High-Functioning Professionals. Dr. McGill provides attachment-focused therapy integrating psychology and spiritual formation for couples and individuals seeking structured growth, with telehealth available statewide in California and Texas and in-person sessions in Plano, TX. Learn more or schedule a session at drkenmcgill@live.com, www.drkenmcgill.com, or 972. 505. 6144.