“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” – Jeremiah 29:11 (TNIV)

Thank you for reading…

1. The Introductory post about Choosing Change,
2. Choosing Change #1: Safe People, Safe Places, and Safe Processes
3. Choosing Change #2: So what’s my reasonable contribution to your change process? (Part 1 of 2)
4.  Choosing Change #3: So what’s my reasonable contribution to your change process? (Part 2 of 2)
5. Choosing Change #4: Gardening with Intention
6. Choosing Change #5: Traveling with Intention
7. Choosing Change #6: Schemas, Defenses, Distortions and Resolution (Part 1 of 3)
8. Choosing Change #7: Schemas, Defenses, Distortions and Resolution (Part 2 of 3)
9. Choosing Change #8: Schemas, Defenses, Distortions and Resolution (Part 3 of 3)
10. Choosing Change #9: The A-C-T-I-V-E Model by Dr Ken McGill
11. Choosing Change #10: Blueprints and Building Change

As a reminder, the goal of your work in Choosing Change #10, #11, #12 and so on is for you to build a house on the rock, where you and your family members are able to withstand any “predictable” and unpredictable calamities (rain, wind, and floods) that may impact your life, per what we read in Matthew 7:24-25.

These verses, found in the context of the Sermon on the Mount, infer that we’re apt to accomplish these tasks when we incorporate the “wise counsel and best practices” that Jesus conveys to us, which will help us to develop then deliver good character to others in our lives.

So in Choosing Change #10: Blueprints and Building Change, you created your “blueprints,” which reflect the person that you wish to be(come), based on the values, principles, and processes that you deem important to you and your relationships.

In that post, you were also encouraged to “pour” a foundation that’s infused with Love, your spiritual beliefs and values, fruitful rituals, and behaviors, sound disciplines, and principles that would support spiritual and psychological growth, in addition to character development for you and others in your home.

In Choosing Change #11: Building Character and Building People (1 of 3; 2 of 3 and 3 of 3), your progress continues toward your goal of converting your blueprints into specific and “specialized” behavior(s), actions and activities that serve to build up the occupants in your house over the course of yours and their lifetime.

To accomplish this, we’ll walk “room to room” with consultants, experts and specialists who’ll suggest to you specific but doable behaviors to incorporate into each room (or “domain” of your life) for your benefit and for the benefit of others, over the next day, weeks, months and years of your lives together.

For now, I encourage you to think about the rooms or domains in the home that you’re building, and who will occupy those rooms and what activities you’ll want to occur or develop with the occupants (your family and friends) in the rooms, so that the end result of each day amounts to activity that builds them up.

Remember, the domains are simply the rooms where you and your family members/friends live, hang out and interact with one another, where your actions with one another result in interpersonal growth. In light of that, I have a few questions for you:

1. When people enter your home (into your presence), what values, virtues, and positive impressions do you want them to experience? What impression of yourself do you want them to have when they leave your presence? 
2. What skills, strategies, values, virtues are appropriate, and that you’d want to develop with people in your home when you hang out in the living room?
3. What qualities, growth points, and life principles do you wish to instill or impart to your children in their bedroom, especially as you consider launching them into the world one day? And with your Adult children or Grandchildren? 
4. What focus, goals, balance, achievement, performables would you like to experience in your office, as it reflects your work, career, purpose, mission, and legacy?
5. What healthy, fun, exciting, nurturing, pleasurable, growth and bonding experiences do you wish to create and recreate with your partner in your bedroom?
6. What spiritual, meaningful, insightful, empowering and life-changing issues would you want to learn about then apply in your life and relationships as you frequent your study?
7. What enjoyable, recreative, memories would you want to have with your family in your “game room,” where your activities are only limited to the world we live in? 
8. Simply put, what “new designs” (new behaviors) or enhancements (with existing relationships) would you deem is a necessity as you walk through areas of importance in your home (your life)?

Again, your rooms (or domains), and what work will occur with the people who dwell there is the next area to focus on and develop in this upcoming stage of your building process.

It’s quite possible that what you wish to accomplish, construct and how you’ll build them (and yourself) up is already illustrated and included in your blueprints. If so, then you’re way ahead of the game, as you’ve contemplated your needs, the needs of your family members, your abilities, your resources and what it’s going to take to “build in” quality experiences with them over the course of your lifetime, or for however long they are with you in your home.

If you hadn’t considered what sound, wise and functional behaviors you’ll want to accomplish with the occupants in your home, then you have a lot to think about, plan, discuss and collaborate with the important “co-builder(s)” in your life! No worries here, as this is actually very exciting! Remember, you get to envision, dream big, then choose what you want to intentionally accomplish and develop for the benefit of all.

This is exciting and empowering because the “experts and specialists” who you’ll consult with will suggest and offer specific actions, behaviors, performables, practices, and characteristics for you to consider incorporating into each room when you do your “walkthroughs.” These suggestions, when incorporated, will help you to achieve and receive an optimal return on the work you’re investing into each of the occupants in your house.

Regarding the experts, I encourage you to strongly consider what these researchers and practitioners state are “must haves” when it comes to the development of your marriage, family, children, work, spirituality, recreation, purpose, etc., so that the energy you expend on building up others in your home will yield a functional and fruitful return.

Are you ready to do a walkthrough to hear what the practitioners have to suggest? In addition to the questions above, let’s remember to include the preliminary questions about Choosing Change #11 which were written in the previous post:

1. When you think about converting a house into a home, what have you heard from your family members that they’ve needed and wanted from you?
2. What healthy values would you like to incorporate into your home that was present in your family of origin?
3. What healthy values would you like to develop for the well-being of your current family?
4. What constructive behaviors have your Pastor, Priest, Rabbi, Therapist, Sponsor, Spiritual Advisor, good friend, great insight or internal hunger taught you that these are the virtues to focus on and live by?

Equally, remember that your role is that of the “Oikeodomeo,” which means “the Builder,” who is engaging in a “building process,” in order to “build up” yourself and others who are occupants in the home, so that everyone is not only able to breathe and live but are also provided with the opportunity to thrive in life as a result of your efforts.

Finally, with every step that you’ll take toward the building up of others, I encourage you to integrate the S.M.A.R.T. goal process (George Doran, 1981). You’ve seen this acronym before, but this time, let’s apply it to your “home-work” (I’m not trying to be a smart …). S.M.A.R.T stands for…

• Specific
• Measurable
• Appropriate
• Realistic
• Time-Focused

As you approach any building, maintenance and repair activity with your home, and certainly any activity as important as character development with others within your home, you’ll probably find that you’re most apt to be successful when you integrate and apply these steps. Here’s my recommendation regarding how to integrate the S.M.A.R.T. goal process:

1. Specific: You’re encouraged to be very specific and intentional as you consider the characteristic(s) you wish to develop in yourself and in others. What specifically is the target behavior that you wish to develop? Why is it important to you? Who needs to be involved in the project? What is the overall purpose and function of the character that you’re seeking to develop? How do you see it benefiting others?
2. Measurable: You’re encouraged to identify measurable and quantifiable behaviors that indicate change, growth, and progress is occurring, especially with the characteristics you’re focused on developing. How will you know you’re growing? What personal and relational changes are developed and delivered that are clear-cut, concrete, definable and trustworthy, and contribute to the positive functioning of the home? Can others hear the “coins” of positive behavior that you’re depositing into the family piggy-bank?
3. Appropriate: You’re encouraged to identify and deliver the appropriate behavioral response that the situation deserves (i.e., bring resolution to a conflict, empathy to someone who needs understanding, and encouragement to someone who needs uplifting). When situations arise, what do you think is the appropriate or approximate value, virtue or characteristic for you to behaviorally demonstrate, to either fertilize relationship growth or to resolve conflict with others? 
4. Realistic: You’re encouraged to work to provide reasonable and attainable behaviors that are within your limits as a human being, but equally, don’t reflect underperformance nor sub-par contributions either. Are you able to deliver on what you’re committing to, or is a discussion required to renegotiate what behavior you’re able to deliver? What tools, strategies, or activities will you access or acquire to reach the level of productivity that you’re aiming to reach?
5. Time-Focused: You’re encouraged to identify, create and work within a time-frame to produce the real, credible and fruitful character values that are necessary to complete your project(s). What’s a realistic time-frame to develop and deliver specific values and characteristics, that takes into consideration the needs of all involved?  Is there a passive-aggressive or hidden “payoff” embedded with procrastinating? Do you expect a reward for developing then delivering specific behavior(s) “under schedule?” Have you delivered the values that are necessary and appropriate to any situation within a reasonable timeframe? If not, what adjustments will you make?

Thanks for considering these thoughts as you move toward creating and building a “smart home.” One more thing that need not be said because it’s implicitly woven into your building process, but I’ll say it anyway: If you’re doing your work, there should be noticeable and measurable progress at your construction site at the conclusion of each day. Eventually, the culmination of your work and your investment will be a habitable house. If you’re seeing progress occur on a daily basis toward your overall goals, let’s celebrate! If you’re not seeing the progress, then I’d simply suggest less talk about action and more consistent engagement in action.

So let’s do our walkthrough to survey your progress, and receive some suggestions! By the way, do you have your keys available to open your doors?

Your “Master” Key

If you had a master key that you’d use every day that’s cut with “indelible values” which could help you to open “closed doors” in your home, what would they be?

If you cut your master key to not only guarantee you access into those rooms in your home but would also assist you to gain access into the hearts of the inhabitants in your home, what strong and capable values would you see yourself demonstrating repetitively?

If you’re open to suggestions, I’d like to posit a few values that when implemented, could assist you to open, gain access and move through situations in your life (versus getting stuck, frustrated and resentful). If these behaviors were “cut indelibly into your life,” what would the consistent manifestation of them look like to others?

1. Safety/Security: Here you’ll decrease behaviors fraught with danger, risk and the possibility of injuring another while also demonstrating behaviors that facilitate calm, peace, stability and confidence.
2. Sincerity/Sharing: Here you’ll decrease behaviors that deceive and are disingenuous, while also demonstrating behaviors that facilitate openness, honesty, integrity, and connection.
3. Sympathy/Empathy: Here you’ll practice behaviors that help you to understand, feel, experience and deliver compassion to others as the need for this arises.
4. Spirituality: Here you’ll practice behaviors that inspire, encourage, bless, and reflect your commitment to display unconditional positive regard for others.
5. Sensuality: Here you’ll practice behaviors where your desire, passion, and sentimentality are respectfully and accurately placed, honored, enjoyed and contained.
6. Synergy/Sacrifice: Here you’ll practice behaviors that creatively help others to reach and achieve their potential(s), especially when the outcomes require a healthy dose of generosity from you.
7. Self-Control: Here you’ll practice behaviors that reflect you’re living by values that facilitate focus, boundaries, devotion, gentleness, life, learning and love.

Could you see yourself demonstrating values like these on a daily basis? If not, which values would you replace then practice? Could you see how the continual demonstration of these specific values would be helpful to you in your effort to gain access and develop fluid connections with others? Remember, your key has to fit the lock, which means your efforts must be fashioned and geared so that they fit well with the recipient of your actions. Thanks, and since you’ve now cut and have your keys, let’s enter in and begin our walkthrough!

Walkthrough Area #1: The Entryway

Beginning to build a new home with your partner is a lot like the beginning of building a new life together in marriage. When the decision is made to seal their commitment in matrimony, each person brings with them hopes, ideas, and commitments to the new home they wish to create along with baggage, scars, and more than likely, a few maladaptive schemas.

Still, we certainly intend to deliver our best to achieve and experience the best of all possible outcomes with each other, but sometimes when life throws lemons at us (or we throw them at each other), we may not recover quick enough or soon enough to convert the lemons into sweet and rejuvenating lemonade. Thank God for the vows we took (“…for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part”) which means we’ll give ourselves ample opportunities over months and years to work on and refine our ability to make sweet versus tart lemonade in our life experiences!

So if you’re starting to build a new home together, or, if you’re rebuilding a new relationship or marriage, what would a relationship specialist convey to you about what you’ll want to consider in your building process? Here’s what three specialists convey to us as we do the first walkthrough into the Entryway of your home. The specialists are Dr. Erik Erikson, Dr. Sue Johnson, and Terrence Real.

(Note: As with anything you’re about to read in the remainder of Choosing Change #11, Choosing Change #12 (1 of 3; 2 of 3; 3 of 3) or other posts in the Choosing Change series, the suggestions are not exhaustive, which thankfully gives room for more diversity of thought, opinion, and application, when diversity of life requires diverse opinions and approaches, which could be the case with your life situation. As mentioned before, take what you can use, leave the rest, but please continue your research as you endeavor to identify resources and clinical processes to meet your own unique needs).

Specialist #1: Dr. Erik Erikson

Dr. Erik Erikson was a neo-Freudian (a student of Dr. Sigmund Freud), who studied personality development over the course of one’s lifetime. His research led to the development of his model, called the “Eight Stages of Psychosocial Development (Growth).”

In the table below are the stages, the age range of each stage, the developmental tasks or “conflicts” for a person to work through in each stage, in addition, the specific virtues that Erikson identified a person cultivated as a result of doing his or her work in said stage of development.All of the stages are important, and Erikson will accompany us on other walkthroughs in the home (i.e., the Children’s room for Childhood Development as well as the Office and the Study, as we consider one’s work, career, purpose, and personal growth), but for now, let’s look at two of the stages of psychosocial development (Stage 6: Intimacy versus Isolation, and Stage 7: Generativity versus Stagnation) as these stages are key in the development, maintenance and enjoyment of healthy Adult relationships during the bulk of one’s lifetime (Ages 20 – 65).

As mentioned earlier, Erikson realized each stage of development presented the individual with internal conflicts that he or she needed to overcome if they were to successfully advance to the next stage of personal development. However, overcoming the internal conflict doesn’t mean that we “live at one end of the pole and never move toward the other end” (i.e., living at Trust and never having problems with Mistrust in each and every situation of our lives, as in Stage 1).

For Erickson, overcoming the conflict presented in each stage of psychosocial development means that we learn to live in the tension that exists between the two extremes, knowing that there will be times where we’ll have to cultivate Trust even in the midst of times when we feel and experience substantial Mistrust.

Erikson believed that when we’re able to find the “healthy middle ground” between the two poles, then we’re most likely to cultivate and experience the virtue that comes from doing the necessary work in that stage. With this in mind, let’s look at the tasks, conflicts, the virtue and a few values that are inherent in Stages 6 and 7 of Erikson’s model of personality development.

Stage 6: Intimacy versus Isolation (Age 26 – 40; Virtue: Love)

As we walk across the threshold into our new home, Erikson would have us know that as Adults, this stage is marked by us learning what intimacy is, what it will take to establish intimacy, enjoy intimacy, and maintain intimacy, especially in our relationships with others. Different types of intimacy are, but not limited to:

1. Spiritual Intimacy: Experiencing connection and empowerment with one’s Higher Power, which among other benefits, translates into the knowledge and ability to care for and love oneself and others appreciably.
2. Intellectual Intimacy: Gaining and transferring knowledge about oneself, your worldview and your viewpoints to others.
3. Emotional Intimacy: Experiencing trust, warmth, safety, and connection which facilitates the open and vulnerable expression of passion, sentiment, and feeling.
4. Physical Intimacy: Experiencing connection through affection and healthy non-sexual touch that facilitates bonding, closeness, safety, and importance.
5. Genital Intimacy: Experiencing sexual and erotic passion, enjoyment and health.
6. Conflict Intimacy: Expressing and working through problems and differences, in order to regain relational closeness, understanding, and connection.
7. Experiential Intimacy: Experiencing meaning, purpose, “re-creation” and enjoyment due to fun, mutual and overlapping activities with each other.

Didn’t know there were so many Intimacies to attend to huh? Erikson would have us to know that a healthy relationship in this stage would look like two separate but committed people who wish to develop, deliver, enjoy and protect these different intimacies for the benefit of their relationship.

Erikson thought this was most apt to be accomplished by building upon the healthy, reasonable, principled and respectful values that you identified in Stage 5 (Identity versus Role Confusion), currently live by, and are now practicing on a daily basis.

Due to the distinct nature of Intimacy, I imagine you’ll be talking with your partner to identify what mutual values you’ll want to develop and practice consistently in your new home, as revealed and discussed in your blueprints. They don’t (or won’t) be developed overnight, but we should show some progress toward their development, which helps us to proficiently demonstrate these intimacies each day.

Erikson stated that Isolation tends to be the default stance opposite of Intimacy. Not being intimate with oneself, or said another way, not possessing the ability to know and express yourself, that is, your wants, needs, emotions, desires, hurts, etc., is akin to driving a vehicle with the instrument panel covered up.

A lack of self-knowledge “isolates” us from being aware of what our intimacy needs or feelings are, and, if we experienced personal or maladaptive challenges in Stages 1 through Stage 5 of our psychosocial development, then we run the risk of being “isolated,” unaware and may lack valid, healthy and credible methods to get our intimacy needs satisfied. If we don’t know what our needs are, and we don’t have healthy ways to meet our needs, then we may experience difficulty in loving our self and loving others in healthy, credible and mature ways.

So a key task for any couple during Stage 6 of their relationship, especially at the onset (or at any time during their relationship) is to use their energy to cultivate the above-mentioned intimacies versus misusing their energy manipulatively, which painfully results in various levels of being isolated and feeling disconnected from one another.